Self-discipline and self-esteem in Kendall's weight loss journey

Ocotober 29 2007

Kendall (Kenz)

City & country: Perth, Western Australia
Age: 24 (how did I get to 24? I swear I was 18 just yesterday)
Weight before diet: 100 kg
Weight now: 80 kg
Target weight: 74 kg (my weight as of November 2006-March 2007)

Kendall's successful weight loss involves the following: common sense, self-discipline, self-accountability. Shedding the kilos her way has brought results that are fun (the ability to fit into the clothes she loves) and more profound (better health). A lifelong commitment to healthy eating and exercise is what she's made, with no regrets.

-What finally made you decide to start with a weight loss program?
I'm quite tall (178cm, 5'10) and have always been a big girl. Not huge, but I always went to the beach wearing board shorts. As a teenager I never got to wear short skirts, little shorts, crop tops, bikinis - the things a young person should have fun with before age takes its toll!

I guess I just accepted that some people were big, some people were small. Instead of doing something about it I just continued with my normal lifestyle and resented the small people around me. However each year even if you only gain one or two kilos, it adds up.

Despite my Mum telling me she was worried about my weight (this just made me feel outcast by my own family) I didn't weigh myself so I just assumed I was doing OK. I was overweight, but I had a great job and boyfriend, so what did it matter?

After a holiday with my girlfriends in May 2006 I realised I needed to change. I had chafing thighs and sore feet, I was exhausted after a couple of hours sight-seeing, and I felt incredibly self conscious in fashionable night clubs. Perhaps the worst thing was shopping in beautiful boutiques and knowing not ONE thing would fit me. I'd always thought this was a problem with the stores, not catering for people my size, but flicking through the racks of beautiful garments I was filled with sadness. I didn't want to wear big versions of these things, I wanted these ones!

That night a charming young gentleman invited my friends to share their taxi and ordered them to leave 'the fat ones' behind. (Referring to me and one other of my friends)

A holiday that should have been fun left me feeling miserable. I was tired, sore, without new clothes, and my confidence was shattered. This was not what your early 20's was supposed to be about!!

I got on the scales when I got home and realised I weighed 100 kgs. I was expecting to see about 85, so this was a huge shock. After lots of half-hearted promises to myself like "I'll lose weight before my holiday!" or "I'll get skinnier before Christmas!" (that I knew I'd never stick to) I actually decided that this was serious, it was time to change.

I made my decision and stuck to it.

-What type of weight loss program are you following?
Fortunately my generation lives in a world where nutritional information is everywhere. All food comes with labels, there are thousands of great cook books, and healthier alternatives are no longer hidden away for those in the know. I was already a gym member (I just didn't go much) and had great parks and the beach to exercise close by.

Because I was already armed with the knowledge and facilities, I decided to go it alone and lose weight without the help of Weight Watchers, Easy Slim or Jenny Craig.

-Why did you choose this weight loss program?
We all know what to do, eat healthier, exercise more. It's not that we don't know, we just don't want to do it. Realistically, I would much prefer to sit on the couch watching Australian Idol with a block of chocolate than snack on an apple after going for a 5-kilometre run, but unfortunately that wasn't going to help my predicament.

To me losing weight is 100% discipline. I didn't need someone to tell me 'Don't eat a burger and fries, because that is worth too many points' because I know that, we all do. "Choose the better option between candy bar and low fat yogurt," nobody needs to pay someone to have that decision made for them. It's all about the discipline to choose what is best for our bodies, not what we feel like despite what we know.

By making a bad choice, I would undo all of my good work and exercise. It just wasn't worth it. The idea of a public weigh in was not a motivating threat to me, but the thought of ruining the benefits gained from an awesome work out for a 5-minute food fix was just silly!

I cut out all of the obvious bad things, reduced my portions, and interchanged a lot of things. Grilled chicken breast on the BBQ with lemon juice and grilled vegetables is a much healthier alternative than a creamy pasta, fatty chops or oil-roasted vegetables, and doesn't take any extra effort to prepare. You just need to think a bit more when you shop.

I was accountable to no-one but myself, and I could only be angry at myself for slipping up. I wasn't dodging a meeting, lying in a food diary or hoping no one would find out about a treat, I was doing it for me and no one else.

-How long have you been on your weight loss program?
I started in May 2006 and lost roughly a kilo a week, getting down to 74 kg in November 2006. This was my lowest weight and I maintained this for 5 months. I felt fantastic. I'd go up a couple of kilos here and there, then lose them again, maintaining successfully.

I think the most frustrating realisation was that the journey doesn't end. You don't lose the weight then miraculously get to stay that way. In my case I need to work really, really hard to maintain that weight.

Unfortunately this year has resulted in my weight going up again - for 4 months this year I was going through some personal struggles where I needed to focus on my mental health more than beating myself up over my physical appearance. (Once you're out of the obesity zone, it really does come down to appearance, which I don't believe is critically important).

Luckily I am out of that 'dark' patch, and I'm doing really well. Sadly I was then knocked down with the return of a severe knee injury which has limited my exercise ability.

I am now 6 kilos up on my lowest weight, which I'd love to get back down to. My knee has healed considerably, and due to my previous successes I know that although it doesn't seem fair that I've gained weight, that is only 6 weeks away that I can be back to that slimmer-self. What is 6 weeks? Nothing!

Weight loss is not a program you can go on for 3 weeks like the magazines claim. It is a life long change, a series of choices. This doesn't mean you can't eat cheese cake for the rest of your life, it just means that when you do have a treat you need to enjoy it then adjust your next steps accordingly. Walk home from the restaurant, ride to work the next day.

We need to work hard to be what we want to be, and it feels great to earn something. But if I ever find that magic wishing genie lamp...

-What kinds of physical activities do you like doing to help you lose weight and stay fit?
I used to hate exercising. I was the kid walking at the back of the pack at school cross-country. The last one to be picked for teams unless my friends were captains. But when you realise that all of that sweating, wobbling, jiggling and bouncing actually WORKS, you end up loving it.

I love going on big hikes through the bush, long bike rides, basically the more gruelling the better. I love that feeling where you are completely exhausted, where you are pushing yourself so hard that you get home and collapse into the couch. If you go the gym and do something easy, it feels like such a waste. You're only cheating yourself out of a good result by taking it easy!

One of the great benefits too is that you become fitter and sportier. I can now ride, run, hike, swim and play team sports competitively. I love what my body can do instead of cursing it for what it can't.
 
-What were the most difficult obstacles you had to overcome or are still overcoming?
To start with my hardest thing to overcome was my resentment of people who didn't have to work hard. You know the ones - the girls who NEVER exercise but eat chocolate bars for lunch. These girls used to be my reason for accepting how I was, it wasn't fair, why should I work hard when they can eat cake in a bikini?

Perhaps I just had to grow up and mature a little. Some slim people have horrible allergies, some beautiful people have cancer, some fit people lose their jobs. Life isn't fair. If my biggest problem was something I could change if I really wanted, I needed to stop being lazy.

I still thing it's OK to secretly hate these girls though! I scowl at them sitting at the picnic benches when I go on my daily walk along the river in my lunch break.

Also, obviously my knee injury has been a big hurdle, it is incredibly frustrating to have the right mind set where you want to work hard, but you're being held back by something you can't change.

I think the thing here is to not be disheartened. I've gained a bit of weight while I haven't been able to move much, but that isn't permanent. A few weeks of my pants being tight is a pain in the bum, but it WILL get better. I can't rush it and just need to sit it out before I'll get back on track and my pants will fall half way down my bum again. (That's such a good look isn't it?)

-How do you keep yourself motivated?
Shopping. I LOVE clothes and I love fashion, so seeing amazing things that I want to wear motivates me to look great. I think because I spent so many years walking past the trendy shops for people my age and instead rummaging through the 16+ racks of the department stores, I now love trying things that I normally would have cringed at.

Short, strapless, backless, hey even frontless, I want to not buy things because they look stupid, not because they don't fit.

Looking back at old photos always helps, to see how far I've come. I wish that I took naked 'before' photos (as horrible as that sounds!) because we all have 'fat' days, so to see where I'd come from would be very reassuring.

-Do you have any weight loss tips for our readers?
My biggest tip is if you're going to do it, do it properly. If you apply yourself 100% with no treats at all, work your bum off exercising and look after yourself for ONE WHOLE WEEK, you will notice a big change on the scales. That change is enough motivation to keep going.

I hear so many people around me saying they are 'dieting' so they will go for 2 walks in a week, have a smaller piece of cake, skip dessert at a restaurant but have a huge main course, and drink 2 bottles of wine instead of creamy cocktails. They'll think they've worked really hard and get on the scales to see they weight the same. They'll get upset and say that "I just can't lose weight! It doesn't work!"

The changes they made are great and will stop them gaining weight like they had been, but realistically if you're serious about doing this once and for all ditch the cake all together, stop drinking alcohol, don't eat out and KICK YOUR OWN BUTT at the gym. Not forever, just that first week. If they drop 2 kilos due to that week of hard work, it is a fantastic reward and makes it easy to stay on track.

My other big tip is blogging - I kept a blog from day one and it definitely helps. Our friends, family and partners don't need to hear all of our selfish rants on what we're missing out on, our loose pants, our dimply thighs, our successes and our failures. It makes us very boring, self-centred people. But blogging is a great forum where we can discuss these issues with other people who are actually interested.

I've made some great friends and if you're lucky enough to find people in your own city it's fantastic to meet up with people who won't hassle you for passing on dessert and enjoying your glass of water. (People DO try to spoil your resolve at every step of the way, don't let them!)

-Do you think it will be easy to fall back into your old lifestyle pattern? How do you prevent this from happening?
To be honest, probably yes. Saying 'no' does get very tiring, so if I really let my guard down and let myself have nibbles before dinner at people's houses, or skipped my workouts to have ice cream with my girlfriends... then 3 or 4 kilos would creep on each year and 5 years down the track I'd be back at square one.

I think the biggest thing is now that I know I CAN be a slim person. It isn't 'other' people who achieve that, it's in my grasp. So I don't think I'd ever just give up like I had in the past, we just have to keep making the right choices and looking after ourselves.
 
I think you do need to weigh yourself regularly. As horrible, cold, and sterile as those scales are - they're honest. I have a wonderful boyfriend who tells me I look amazing in everything I wear so I strut around the place feeling confident. I'll say "I think I've gained a bit of weight this month" and he'll say "Don't be silly Kenz, you look great!" If I get on the scales however and realise I'm 1.5 kilos up, this is a reality check and I can work hard for a week to get back in shape before the numbers become too daunting.

I think that is my biggest tip actually, don't get overwhelmed. Numbers always seem huge, but it really doesn't take long to change. Sometimes you DO have a few big celebrations in a week that ultimately will impact on the scales. Life is for living, enjoy it, then work hard for a couple of weeks and you'll be back on track. Beating yourself up about the fun parts of life is no way to live.

-Do you have a favorite Web site or blog that helps or inspires you to lose weight?
http://kenzicle.blogspot.com - my blog

http://idiet.wordpress.com - I've loved reading Kathryn's journey. She has lost a lot of weight and now blogs about her maintenance, life and running.

http://www.karencheng.com.au - Not weight related, but this was the first blog I read, which inspired me to keep me own. Great little page about a Mum's life in Perth.

http://www.figleaves.co.uk - I'm an undie junkie. It's hard to find beautiful things for girls with boobs DD and up in Australia, and this website provided me with many beautiful things. The absolutely stunning designs available only in cups A-D are also very motivating to keep the weight (and therefore the boob size!) down.